


If Only I Knew Love A Little Earlier

by hondansadeensommar



Series: Multifandom Hurt/Comfort Oneshots [4]
Category: Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Adoption, Depression, Gen, shutdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 10:40:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19171603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hondansadeensommar/pseuds/hondansadeensommar
Summary: "Sometimes I just get sad though, you know?  Not knowing why my birth parents abandoned me like that… not knowing if it was them, or if it was me…"





	If Only I Knew Love A Little Earlier

“ _Hyung_ … are you okay?”Lee Hangyul looked up at the sound of Nam Dohyun’s voice, forcing a smile for the benefit of the teenager.“You haven’t really moved in a while…” Dohyun continued, squatting next to Hangyul and watching him carefully.

“I’m fine, Hyunnie,” Hangyul replied, shaking his head as he let go of his knees and moved to sit up a little straighter, crossing his legs and leaning forward so that his elbows were resting on his knees.“How is your team doing?Everything okay?” Hangyul asked, hoping to turn attention away from himself.He’d been lost in his thoughts for so long, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to actually come out and talk to the teenager about what was going on in his head.

“We’re fine.But you’re really out of it… I’ve seen you space out a lot before, but you’re a real space cadet today…” Dohyun commented.

Hangyul nodded slowly, sighing.“I know… I’m trying.It’s just a hard day,” Hangyul replied.

“You know, you can talk to me,” Dohyun commented.“Whatever’s on your mind… I may not be able to help, but I’m good at listening.”

Hangyul couldn’t help smiling at the younger boy’s words, knowing that Dohyun only wanted to help.Although they hadn’t been training together for long, Hangyul had already grown to like Dohyun for his kind heart.“How long do you have?” Hangyul asked.

“A while,” Dohyun replied, shrugging.“We’re doing okay… the other guys can keep going without me right now, if you need me to listen for a while.”

Hangyul nodded, slowly pushing himself up from the floor despite the fact that his legs were sore from being stuck in the same position for so long.“Let’s go to one of the little studios, yeah?It’s not really private, but I don’t necessarily want to sit out in the open and talk about it.”Hangyul lead the way, letting Dohyun follow behind him in silence until they reached an empty room.

“Should we turn off the cameras?” Dohyun asked, once he’d closed the door.

Hangyul shook his head.“It’s fine…” he replied, moving to sit down on the floor again.He waited for Dohyun to make himself comfortable, before Hangyul spoke up again.“Did you ever watch The Unit, Dohyun- _ah_?” Hangyul asked.

“Not really… I saw a few episodes, but most of the time I was too busy with school,” Dohyun replied.“I know that you did really well… I’m sure that you’ll do well here, too, _hyung_ , if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Hangyul smiled, shaking his head.“I’m not worried… not really,” Hangyul replied.He closed his eyes, sighing.“I’ve never really talked about this with you guys, but I talked about it with Rain _sunbaenim_ … I grew up in an orphanage.I don’t remember my biological parents at all, because I was so little when they abandoned me…”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t know…” Dohyun began.

“I’m not angry about it,” Hangyul replied.“ _Eomma_ adopted me when I was seven… I have a family now that loves me, and they’ve done more for me than I could ever pay them back for.The anger went away a long time ago, when I realized that it wasn’t going to do any good to be upset about that part of my past.”

“But you’re an adult now… you could go find your birth parents, right?” Dohyun asked.

Hangyul shook his head.“I was left in a baby box… there are no records,” he replied, pulling his knees up to his chest again and wrapping his arms around his knees.“Sometimes I just get sad though, you know?Not knowing why my birth parents abandoned me like that… not knowing if it was them, or if it was me…”Hangyul closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself down.The last thing he wanted to do was start crying, because Hangyul wasn’t sure if he would be able to make himself stop once he started.

“Can I give you a hug, _hyung_?” Dohyun asked.Hangyul nodded, moving to give the teenager room to wrap his arms around Hangyul’s chest.“Are you going to be okay, _hyung_?Is there something that might help?”

“I just need to get through it,” Hangyul replied, shaking his head.“Sometimes it takes a few days to pull myself out of it when I end up in a funk like this.But I’ll be okay, Hyunnie… I can promise you that much.I just need some time.”

There was a prolonged moment of silence, as Hangyul adjusted his position so that he could rest his head against Dohyun’s shoulder.He was thankful that the younger man seemed to understand that the best thing he could do for Hangyul in that moment was just be there - that what he needed was to know that he wasn’t being abandoned again, and that people cared about him.

“Have you ever talked to someone about it, _hyung_?All of that… it’s a lot,” Dohyun began.Hangyul didn’t respond at first, trying to figure out exactly how he wanted to answer the teenager’s questions.“I know that it isn’t something that’s easy to do…”

“I’m okay, Dohyunnie,” Hangyul replied, shaking his head.“I’m not going to do anything - I’m just sad, I’m not suicidal or anything like that.I just need the time to get through this one, and I’ll be okay again soon.”

“But… do you _have_ to be sad?” Dohyun asked.“I know that you can’t do anything to stop it yourself, but a doctor might be able to help you…”

Hangyul didn’t respond for a moment, thinking about what the teenager was suggesting.“It isn’t that bad, Dohyunnie…”

“ _Hyung_ … when you get sad, it worries me,” Dohyun commented.“You just… it’s like you aren’t really there any more.Like you just shut down.And that isn’t healthy, _hyung_.You can’t just pretend that nothing is wrong…”

Hangyul took a deep breath, before moving to wrap his arms around his _dongsaeng_ in a hug.“I know that it isn’t a good thing… but I promise, I’m going to be okay.”

 

***

 

“Sit down, Hangyul- _ssi_.”Hangyul glanced around the small office, confused about why he had been pulled out of dance practice as soon as his group had finished working with the trainers.But he did as he was told, biting down on his bottom lip as he waited for the producer that had called him into the room to explain what was going on.

“Is everything okay?” Hangyul asked.

“We’re worried about you, Hangyul- _ssi_ …” the producer began.Hangyul couldn’t help feeling sick as he processed the words coming from the man’s mouth.“Nam Dohyun- _ssi_ came to us about a conversation the two of you had yesterday morning, and after watching the footage I can understand why he’s so concerned.”

“I’m fine,” Hangyul replied, shaking his head.“I’ve snapped out of it… I just needed some time…”

“But this isn’t the first time it’s happened,” the producer replied, cutting him off before Hangyul could continue to try and talk his way out of the conversation.“Hangyul- _ssi_ … we agree with Dohyun- _ssi_ , that you should speak with someone about your mental state before things have the chance to get any worse…”

Hangyul closed his eyes, feeling as though he was going to be sick.“Are you kicking me off the show?” Hangyul asked softly.

“That would be a last resort,” the producer replied.“We don’t want to kick you off the show, when you’re talented and fairly popular.You have a good chance at making it to the finale, if not all the way into the debut lineup.But we also have a responsibility to make sure that you are taken care of, and after reviewing the footage from yesterday we have reason to be concerned about your behavior.”

“I’m not in danger,” Hangyul replied, shaking his head.“I’m not going to hurt myself.”

“And that might be the case right now… but how can we be sure that won’t change in a few days or weeks?” the producer asked.“I know that you said this has happened before… but that doesn’t mean that it won’t ever get worse.That you won’t end up in such a state that you do something that currently seems impossible…”

Hangyul looked down at his lap, realizing that he wasn’t going to talk his way out of this one.“Can I talk to my mom, please?” he asked.

“Will you let us help you, Hangyul- _ssi_?” the producer asked, without answering his question.Hangyul nodded slowly, closing his eyes.“I’m going to let you call in here, okay?Away from the cameras.After you’ve spoken with your mother, you can go back to practice and we’ll let you know when we’ve arranged for you to meet with a doctor.”The man held out a cell phone to Hangyul, allowing him to dial his mother’s number himself as the producer left him alone for a few minutes.

“Yeobosayo?”

Hangyul couldn’t stop the tears that stung at his eyes as he heard his mother’s voice.Even though she had only been in his life since he was seven, Hangyul loved the woman more than anything else in the world.The thought of hurting her was almost too much to bear.

“ _Eomma_ …”

“ _Hangyul-_ ah _…_ aegi _, is that you?”_

“It’s me, _eomma_ ,” Hangyul replied, reaching up to wipe away the tears that slipped down his face at the sound of his mother’s voice.

“ _What’s wrong,_ aegi _?Did you get hurt?Are you sick?_ ”

“I’m fine, _eomma_ ,” Hangyul replied.“I’m… they want me to talk to someone…”

There was a moment of silence, before his mother spoke again.“ _Like a counselor?_ ” she asked.Hangyul could tell that the woman was choosing her words carefully, almost as if she was worried that something she said might hurt him.“Aegi _… what’s going on?_ ”

Hangyul took a deep breath.“I just… sometimes I just… I _can’t_ …”Hangyul couldn’t stop the tears after that, shaking his head as he finally broke down.

“ _Calm down,_ aegi _… just breathe, okay?You’re okay._ ”

“I don’t want to be sad, _eomma_ … I just - I can’t help it…” Hangyul continued.

“ _I know,_ aegi _.There’s nothing wrong with being sad…_ ”

“But I shouldn’t be sad… I have you…”

“Yah _… stop right there, Lee Hangyul-_ ah _, and listen to me._ ”Hangyul was surprised by the authoritative tone in his mother’s voice as she interrupted him.His mother wasn’t the type to typically interrupt her children when they were talking, but it was obvious that she wasn’t going to let Hangyul continue with that line of thought.“ _You have every right to feel whatever emotions you feel about your past,_ aegi _.Being sad isn’t a bad thing.You can love me and your brothers, and still feel upset about the family that you don’t know.You didn’t ever have the chance to get closure about being abandoned, and who knows if you ever will.But if that sadness is affecting your ability to live your life, then you need to accept the help that’s being offered to you right now._ ”

Hangyul took a deep breath, closing his eyes.“You aren’t upset with me, for being this sad?”

“ _No,_ aegi _,_ ” his mother replied.“ _I’ve honestly been expecting something like this to happen for a long, long time.When you left to become a trainee and I couldn’t keep an eye on you, I was worried that something bad would happen and I wouldn’t be there to help you through it.I’m glad that you’re going to be able to get the help you need._ ”

Hangyul relaxed into his chair.“Thank you, _eomma_ …”

“ _Are you going to be okay until you see the counselor?_ ” his mother asked softly.

“I think I just needed to hear you tell me that it’s okay,” Hangyul admitted.

“ _I love you,_ aegi _.You may not have been born mine, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are my baby,_ ” his mother replied.“ _Do you have someone in the dorms you can go to, if things get to be too much?Someone you trust that you can talk to when you’re upset?_ ”

“I have a few people,” Hangyul replied.“I’ll be okay, _eomma_.”

“ _Good.Take care of yourself,_ aegi _.I love you._ ”

“I love you, too, _eomma_.”

Hangyul hung up the phone, wiping away the remnants of his tears with the sleeves of his shirt before he headed back towards the practice rooms to rejoin his group.He didn’t really expect to run into Dohyun on the way back topractice, but he couldn’t help himself when he saw the teenager.Hangyul quickly wrapped his arms around Dohyun without warning the teenager, turning to whisper in the teen’s ear.“ _Gomabda._ ”


End file.
